I Shuck Therefore I Am

I start this sentence. And then I delete it.  I’m trying to tell you that I spent three weeks repeating past behaviours that I know do not work for me.  I recognised that I was doing this.  I stopped repeating the behaviours.  Stopping the behaviours before it was too late is something I am proud of right now.  What is getting in the way of writing about the whole situation eloquently, with brevity, is the fact that I am so proud of myself I want to tell the whole story.

I think it is pertinent to your understanding to know that I have trouble setting boundaries.  Thinking you have to explain yourself is part of that whole statement.  And I still will. Because of the adage, “You should be kind to others because you never know what someone else is fighting,” I don’t like telling people that I can’t help them.  I don’t like saying “No.”  I use my subjective to look at a situation objectively and if I assess someone else “needs” it more than me, mostly I give it to them.  Your head may have gone straight to the physical – money, gifts, food – I am talking about the intangible – time, energy, goodwill. Huh? Vague. What I’m saying is I need to wear floaty clothes and big round glasses because I have charicatured myself as Professor Trelawney, thinking I’m a sign reader. Anyway…

Addictions effecting many in the world involve drink or drugs; for me it is service.  Being helpful.  I once said in a job interview that if I were to be a fruit, I would be an apple, because then people could use me as they needed. Cripes.  It was said at the time to show I was flexible.  It actually has the aftertaste of naivety in 2019.

Which brings me to the personal growth in the professional realm that I experienced today.  I had every chance to be an apple.  I didn’t move here to be an apple.  I told someone “No”. It was really hard.  I didn’t like it.  If I didn’t do it, however, I wouldn’t have liked myself, the way I spent my time and how I earned my money.  Aka how I got myself in this blog. Maya Angelou said, “Success is liking yourself, liking what you and liking how you do it.”  So I backed myself.  One hundred percent.  Success.

Yada yada there’s something somewhere, right? About bravery is shown in times of crisis, not peace?  The ships are safe in the harbour but that’s not what ships are for? That is what I am sitting with now.  I was brave. I said no. I embraced disappointing someone and others. I have used many “I statements.” I am awesome.  I like cats. And also, we repeat what we don’t repair.

Thank shuck I woke up when I did.

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